Ok, ok it has been too long

Ok to say I haven’t posted in awhile would be tantamount to saying drinking strychnine could lead to undesired side effects. Well I guess to fill everyone in, which would be two readers who already know. LOL a lot has happened from my last post. So now for a very long run on sentence that breaks all rules of grammar. A very close friend of mine lost a love (Eric I can’t imagine what you are going though and I am there for anything you need brother), my family and I are going to loose our house (however that will be a blessing in disguise), my wife is due any day now with our second son, another close friend of mine might loose her house and her soon to be ex-husband is loosing his business and in time everything, my great uncle who I absolutely adore after 39 years of business will have to close his doors, my mother in law is finally getting married, my dad retired but had to go back to work because his retirement is no where near what it was expected to be. Yet I somehow don’t know exactly how I should feel. Somehow I feel like I am in a state of melancholy.

I remember going through the chaplaincy academy a few years back and they had us take this inventory list of all the changes that had taken place in the last month. You see there was point based system so you would go through the list and if there was a change that had taken place in your life you got points for it. Some things had a large number of points, good or bad. Two of the highest were getting married, getting a divorce, loosing a loved one, loosing your wife, having a child, loosing a child, recent home purchase, etc. etc. and the list went on. You see any change that took place in your life, good or bad took its toll on your body by means of your physiology. Didn’t matter if it was good or bad. So I took the paper and began to check off the changes that were taking place in my life. Now mind you if you scored 100 points there were serious changes that were taking place in your life and 100 points was the level at where you needed to take on a support system to ensure you had help dealing with the changes in your life. 400 points meant you should consider talking to a counselor about the issues in your life. Well at the end of the day I was 785. The list only scored up to 400 anything past that you were in the danger zone and you body was at a very unhealthy level and you were greatly encouraged to seek professional help ASAP. Granted it was one of the darkest times in my life. Let me tell you I have been through hell and back in my youth and technically shouldn’t even be alive today. Yet that point in my life was the darkest.

I had a so so support system. My mom and dad were there for me, but aside from that, I was sadly on my own. Well I can’t say that entirely because God was there with me the whole time, but at that time I needed someone with skin on if you know what I mean. There were people at church who knew what I was going through and a good Christian Brother really helped me out on the worst night by inviting me over to have diner at his place. That little gesture and fellowship meant everything to me. Well anyways here I was taking a class on helping people through some of the darkest moments in their life, and here I was sitting in it. Yet I didn’t get the help I needed. Now I am not saying that it was because of some failure on other people. No I would say it was mainly a failure on my part. A failure to reach out. I still have issues reaching out. My friend Myles was there for me, and there were men in my mens group who where there for me, but I never reached out enough. I never held out my hand and said here I am broken drag me the rest of the way because I can’t. Somehow I managed, things got better, I guess I am tougher, yet someone I feel like I got damaged. It’s as if my whole life I have had these moments where I needed to hold my hand out, but in my own pride I said to myself, “I did it before, I will do it again.” Through the years I evolved not into the image of Christ but a man who has become jaded and disillusioned with life. Untrusting when I should be trying to hope for the betterment of mankind. I keep that circle of friends small, and when trouble does come I keep my mouth shut. Half the time I really have to force myself to talk to my wife about what is troubling me, even though I know just opening up and talking about it will help. Its pride is what it is. It is admitting hey I screwed up, I am not tough enough, smart enough or man enough to do something. Simple pride.

I think as men we are all wired with this incredible resilience but somehow in the modern world it is our biggest downfall. Every man has this secret fear. This secret fear is, “I am just not (fill in the blank) enough to do this.” Somehow we look at other people and think man if only I had his (fill in the blank) I could do this thing. All men look at other men and think I am a fraud at some level and if everyone found out I would be ruined. Yet somehow we fail to realize that the guy looking back at us is thinking the exact same thing.

I wonder what it would be truly like to life a life free of fear, hate, anxiety, and bitterness. Now I am not saying that I express these attributes all the time but man they are in there. They are hardwired and are not letting go. I try as I may but they just won’t budge. Even on a day where those traits are not rearing their ugly head they still haunt you. I wonder what it would be like instead of having those traits I was filled with peace, love, tranquility, and forgiveness. What would that be like. I try but I continue to fail I realize I can’t do it on my own, I need God to do it for me. Even then in my own frail humanity I will fail and on occasion exhibit those attributes.

My family have told me my whole life I have trust issues, particularly with God. My bigger question is how do I solve that? No one has gotten back to me. I lost my faith in God close to decade ago and found it again. I shall save that topic for another longwinded post. LOL I remember no one had an answer for the questions I had and I became disillusioned and left the faith. It wasn’t until I found out about Christian apologetics that I began my journey out of the wilderness and back into the fold. Maybe this is like that. Maybe there is hopefully a reason why God has kept from me the secret of what I have to do to trust him. I know it all sounds so simple but for some reason it is not clicking with me. How do I trust in Him to so this self reliance issue can go away and thusly leading to a path to rid me of my Pride?

Well I guess maybe that question might be one of the great mysteries of life. If you know the answer tell me. LOL Well I better get going so I can do a few other things online. We got rid of our internet to save some money so we have to go to Panera to use their wifi for now. Till then

Too Funny!

Ok I was watching SpongeBob with my son the other day and watched this episode that had this hilarious little bit in it. I love sponge Bob and now that I have kids I don't have to feel guilty about watching it. LOL I was actually watching that show when it first came out So here is the clip of the funny stuff.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0309k9z1nA

I was told it is like picking out a wife

Ok it has been way to long since I last posted. Not a whole lot has changed in life. I am going back to my mens group which is awesome since I haven’t been able to for a year due to school. It is great to be with the guys again. We got to talking about some of the issues we face in life as men and it was posed to me if I had an accountability partner. I stated that but have wanted one for close to a decade now. Problem being every time I find a guy that I think would fit the bill they don’t feel comfortable being in that position. Of course that has only happened twice. My sagely friend laughed and said to me “picking out an accountability partner is like picking out a wife” The more I thought about it the more I had to agree. He stated that a good accountability partner becomes your best friend over time in a sense. I haven’t had a friendship like that in well over a decade. In fact whenever I watch a sitcom that has two guys that have a great relationship at the end of the show I always look at myself and say, “man I feel so unfulfilled,” and have to laugh at it. I wish I had a friend like Joey or Chandler from Friends. I know a lot of guys who do and I just envy them. I think it would be great to call up a guy friend on Friday after work and be like, “Hey, lets go fishing tomorrow morning, and lets take our kids.” Then my guy friend would be like, “Hey that’s a great Idea, and afterwards we can do… ect ect ect.” I don’t have that right now; in fact I have not had that for well over a decade. Of course I didn’t have kids that far back, but I usually had a guy friend who I would call up and we would go fishing, or take off to some other place for the day. Guys need relationships like that. More importantly I need a Christian male influence to keep me on the straight and narrow. So I begin go think about what do I want in an accountability partner, so I came up with a list that is by no means all inclusive.

-A mature Christian
-Close to my own age.
-Not over legalistic, but certainly understands the importance of the Old Testament. (Basically I don’t want an accountability partner who tells me I have to worship God on Saturday, burn moldy clothes and does not share the same Theology as I have)
-Someone who knows how to have a good time and when it is appropriate to have a good time.
-Has kids and is married (so he can understand and be on the same page as I am. Lord knows there isn’t a single guy out there who can understand what truly happens in married life)
-Is involved in the motorcycle culture, or at least has an interest in it.
-Enjoys video games.
-Enjoys paintball, or at least has an interest in it.
-Enjoys reading preferably.
-Enjoys the outdoors.
-Likes hiking or at least has an interest in it.
-Is a geek or nerd (ok lets face it I am a nerd and enjoy talking geeky things)
-Enjoys photography, or at least has an interest in it.

Of course no one person has to have all of those traits, but it would be awesome. So when you really think about it as picking out a wife it truly is. The thing I didn’t put on here of course was that this person and their family would have to get along with my wife and kids, and our family get along with their family. Of course I laugh at the whole situation because I don’t feel that I will ever have a friend or accountability partner like that. Then again if I ask God there is no reason why it couldn’t happen. So I guess I will pray and see what happens.

In other news I was hoping to go community college and pick up six units to defer my student loans till we are in a little bit of a better position. However now that I am a college graduate I am no longer eligible for financial aid, and it is pretty much too late to apply for a scholarship for the fall semester anywhere. Yikes! So I am not sure exactly what to do on that. It will probably be around $500.00 on the low end for tuition, books and supplies. I really want to take some photography classes to improve my skills and learn more. So I might try and find a way to get it to all work out. Who knows, I am seriously thinking of taking pictures and selling them off on some of the various stock photography sites to earn a little gas money on the side. So we will have to see how that goes. Well till next time.

Cherry Blossom Festival

This is one of the Sailor Moon Cosplayers. I thought it was an interesting shot. Everyone was watching the parade and I believe she was standing on a chair to watch. She just sort of stood out and I was lucky enough to be quick enough on the shutter button to catch it.

This is some of the Taiko Drummers and you could tell that the one guy in the middle is a real character. Man he was just soo expressive and lively. He made me want to jump on the float and start pounding away!

These Cosplayers had some great attitudes. After being stopped by one person, everyone whipped out their cameras and they must have been stuck there posing for about 7 minutes. They were laughing the whole time and you could tell that there were really into the spirit!

These cosplayers had a great attitude. It must have been 80 degrees outside and when I first approached them to take their pictures they didn't have their full costumes on. However after asking them they cheerfully stated yes they would love for me to take a picture of them but wanted to put on the rest of their costumes. More great cosplayers!

This Girl was great, I didn't want to take up too much of her time as I was sure she was probably getting asked by everyone to take her picture, but she even offered to take a few more poses after I thanked her for the first picture. She was very nice to everyone that approached her at the Festival, and she was always smiling. A top Notch Cosplayer if you ask me!

These girls I believe were doing some sort of skit.

I am not exactly sure the name of the Character this guy was dressed up as, but I do remember the anime.

I thought this was another funny picture. It is one of those Smart Cars, They are so short they don't need to park like a normal car. Probably a great Car to have in SF.

Unfortunately I was having some Camera Issues so this shot did not come out near as nice as I wanted it to. However this is a picture of David in the back his sweetie in the middle and Adam in the front. I thought it looked kind of funny, almost like the two guys are body guards.

Here is Adam showing me the finer points of Pole Dancing in the back alley.

Here is a picture of a real Photographer. This guys gear was pretty good and man was he quick on the draw. I believe he was shooting with the Canon 50D.

Well those are just some of the many pictures I got in SF this weekend for the Cherry Blossom Festival. It must have been over 80 Degrees in SF and man we were cooking. I thought it might be nicer in SF than Sacramento, but it was still hot there. We didn't stay as long as we would have liked too but due to the heat I was starting to worry about Liz and the bun in the oven, so we went home early. Overall it was very nice day and we were able to take it pretty easy so there were no high hills to hike and climb and Liz was able to sit most of the day in the shade.

I was having a fair number of camera issues so I didn't get all of the shots I wanted. I want to more than ever now take some photography classes to improve my skill. I am no where near the full potential of being to exploit my little Canon Rebel, however there are some times now where my Camera and lenses are not able to keep up with me, which makes me actually feel good about my skills so far. There are times where I know what I need to do to get the shot but the Camera just isn't able to comply. However that is only on rare occasions. I am no where near being able to fully exploit all of my cameras capabilities. I know that when I get to that point I will look to upgrade my camera. If I ever get to go to Thailand I want to make sure I am ready to use a more advanced camera and hopefully be able to impress my wife's Uncle who is probably one of the biggest names in photography over there. Now if you asked me to pronounce my wife's uncles name or even spell it, I couldn't do it. LOL He even does stuff with the Asian MTV.

On Saturday I was able to go out for my first bike ride of the year. I am going to dedicate at least one day a week to go for a bike ride. It is all part of my plan to loose some weight and get skinny. Adam will be going for rides with me which will be great we can keep each other accountable.

SCHOOL IS OUT!!!!!

Well today was the last day of class for me. It is bittersweet. On one hand I am estatic to spend more time with my family and to be able to have my nights and weekends back. On the other hand I am going to miss a fair number of my classmates.

We were supposed to go out for beer and pizza again tonight like we did for last night, but I guess somehow the destination got changed to the Powerhouse Pub. Not really my scene so I decided not to go, one of the other professors I was looking forward to seeing was also not going to make it. He said if it was for beer and pizza at the place down the street he was game, but didn’t feel like driving all the way out to Folsom. I definitely agreed, not sure how it got changed to all the way out in Folsom. However last night was great. My debate went off well, I feel that I could have done a lot better but my head was not in the game. There was some personal stuff that came up earlier in the day so that sort of hampered things. However the professor said everyone did well and he expected nothing less from our group. Both he and our Criminal Law professor told us that our group has been one of the smartest groups overall to go through the program.

Our group did phenomenally well, because there is usually a 60 to 70 percent washout rate. I think we lost less than 10 percent of the original group which is probably something that has never happened before. I felt very privileged to have gone through the program with such bright students. It certainly enhanced to the program when pretty much everyone is on the same page and asking intelligent questions and adding to the discussion instead of taking away from it all.

I even got a second award last night for the best writer in our advanced legal writing class, and was even given a present with the award. It was a legal dictionary and thesaurus. I love dictionaries and Thesauruses, so it will get put to good use. I thought for sure my friend Betty would have gotten the award, so I was shocked again when I got it. A bunch of the students were giving me a good natured ribbing and were saying things like “I thought that there was a one award per student rule”, and “better watch yourself in the parking lot.”

Afterwards the class all went out for pizza with the professor and beer if we wanted to buy it ourselves. I just had soda of course. Not that I am opposed to drinking but it seems the older I get the less of a desire I have to partake of the Guardian Mead. It was really great because I spent pretty much the whole night talking to our professor about photography. He is a pretty avid photographer and so I loved just picking his brain over the subject as I am getting back into it. In fact I am looking forward to taking a photography class this fall. Anyways we were the last ones to leave the Pizza Parlor; in fact they were probably getting ready to kick us out. He told me to keep in touch which I will certainly do. In fact I am really hoping to go out and take pictures with him sometime.

So what to do now it seems. Well I am definitely going to make my health a priority. I am going to start getting back into shape starters. I am going to start riding bicycles again. I am going to get my road bike tuned up and start riding with a few friends which will be great. Another thing is I am going to start doing some photography stuff as I had mentioned previously. However the one thing that will take priority over all of this, and will also be integrated into everything I mentioned earlier is I am going to be spending more time with my family. I am going to be able to spend way more time with my son which means a lot to me. I have been loving wrestling with my son lately and he gets so psyched up when I start playing with him.

Another thing I will be doing is our entire class was asked if we would individually mentor future students going through the paralegal program, so I will be gladly partaking in that. I am really hoping some day to be able to TA and then maybe teach if possible. I know that several of our professors were former students so it is possible. Well I am done for now till next time.

No title on this one :-)

I have included some night shots that I took in SF that I have been meaning to post for awhile now.

I haven’t posted for awhile, but I guess I will. I have been feeling in a retrospective mood. I have been thinking about what it would be like to have been born thousands of years ago, and to have lived through different ages of the world. Can you imagine the stories you would know. What would it be like to be immortal yet surrounded by a mortal world? I know that sounds weird but I am weird. I guess maybe not that weird, I mean they have made several movies about things like that.

I guess as I get older I contemplate my own mortality. I think of the things I have done the people I have known, and remember the people who are no longer around. I guess it is common for everyone to that. I have been thinking a lot of what sort of things I will see in the future as time goes on.

I believe that we all live forever, it is not a question of how, but where. How we live our lives now, defines where we will be tomorrow. Kind of scary when you really stop to think about it. Not every decision we make will have a lasting or even eternal impact, but some decisions do.

I look at my son, and think about my second son that is due to be born come this July. What kind of Father will I prove to be in the long haul? I will admit I am kind of a crappy Dad. Not always, but more often than not. Part of it is I get caught up in my own little world. For instance my back has been killing me which causes me to be in a not so nice mood. As soon as I got home I was in a bad mood, which was not fair to my wife. She is in her own pain, and had a pretty crappy day. Instead of building her up, I just grumbled and did a lot of complaining, whishing that someone would pull the ice pick out of my back.

Bottom line, I was being selfish. I wish I could get over the selfish aspects of my life, be a better Husband, father, and son. Yet I fail. My dad is not perfect, but in a lot of respects he set the bar pretty high. My dad is one of my heroes yet I don’t tell him that enough.

Do I want my sons to think of me as that distant guy who just lays down the law? I am pretty sure I will never end up like that, but sometimes that is exactly how I feel. My temper has been getting shorter, with the dogs, and my son. I find myself saying, “nope we are done with that” and I take away whatever he is throwing or hitting. Instead of just taking something away I need to be replacing it with something. I have been trying to play with him more, which has been nice. I look forward to when school is out and I can spend more time with my family going to the park, kicking a ball around or just walking around the neighborhood with the family and the dogs.

I am planning on getting back into riding my bicycle which should be fun. I was doing it by myself during the day about three years back which was nice but really did kind of suck. My wife wasn’t interested in riding with me, and I couldn’t find any friends who wanted to go for bike rides. Now I have two friends that are really into riding bicycles so I am looking forward to getting back into it. Lord knows my fat butt needs it. Even my wife has shown a little interest and might actually borrow her mom’s road bike and take it for a spin with me. After our second son is born and she is physically up to it of course. I am really hoping that I can drop about 70 lbs and this will help. My weight is starting to get ridiculous and it has really been starting to have some negative effects on my back, and general health. I love being outdoors, so riding a bike is perfect for me, I will get some fresh air, see the sun, and build up some endurance. You know you are getting fat when just standing up starts to wind you. Anyways I am off to bed.