Redemption

Well lately I have been feeling pretty demoralized. My wife tells me it is because I am pretty hard on myself and need to let go. Basically my supervising attorney who I absolutely love working for. I got really lucky and am at a firm that really takes cares of its employees, and my supervising attorney has an awesome sense of humor. I.E. a little on the off the wall side. LOL Anyways he had a special project that he needed taken care of and I was feeling pretty honored that he asked me to do it. Well as with anything in law, things can be pretty much clear as mud. The project started taking way too much time, a lot more time than I was expecting and I kept making mistakes which made me feel pretty stupid. Just when I though I had it figured out I found out that there was a fatal flaw in the work I had done and needed to start at square one again. So I go back and correct the mistake, only to find out on round two there was another fatal flaw. (thank goodness this project is not one that is bound by any statute limitation and I could essentially take all the time in the world.) My supervising attorney asked me how I felt about the work and I told him I was a little frustrated with myself because just when I though I had it figured out, I found out I had not. He told me not to worry about it that with time I will get it down. Still I felt stupid and angry with myself, on the third try I think I got it down so we will see.

In the background however I have been really struggling with school. My mind just has not been in the game and I am really slipping. My family has told me that I will pull through and do fine. However when you only get two answers on a 15 question quiz right I think you have every right in the world to feel like a total looser. The bad thing is it is in my favorite class this semester which is Contract Law. (I know I must be sick in the head, but last semester my favorite class was probate, don’t know that says about me.) So I am pretty much feeling like a total looser and am beginning to really question myself. On top of that my health has been taking a big hit. My asthma was so bad this morning I was wondering if I should even go to work, as it turned out a couple of people said I should probably just go home as I was not looking too good and I decided that I probably should just so I can get my hands on an inhaler and maybe rest a bit. I am pretty sure I have bronchitis and it is kicking my butt big time.

Last night though I just kept thinking that maybe the problem was not with myself per se, but with my attitude. Put succinctly, my EGO!!!! I started to really think about that, I do have a lot of pride. I am by no means an athlete, and am certainly not some brad pitt look alike. I don’t have a lot of money so what is there to take pride in you ask. My brain, I have never really had to work at school. I have always just waltzed through it. I would just generally scan the books, if I ever read them at all, show up, and collect my A. I have been getting pretty big for my britches and I think it really started stacking up against me. Lets face it I thought I was smart, and worse than that, smarter than other people. Its true, I was taking pride in my OWN ABILITIES. I completely forgot to thank who was really helping me get those A’s. Not some ability on my own but GOD. I am not smart, I am just blessed with a real thirst for knowledge. I am an autodidact, not a genius, not gifted. I just love to learn, that is something that GOD placed in me and not something I can or do own my own. Every A I got was because of Him not me. I still struggle with my ego and know now that I need to not be so prideful. This revelation really hit me when I thought about how embarrassed I would be if I failed a semester and would have to no longer progress with my fellow classmates. They would know the shame of how I was not as smart as them, and they would have the benefit of laughing at my stupidity. Then it hit me, I was prideful and more concerned with what my fellow peers thought of me than what God thought of me. I really mulled this over.

Well shortly before I left work today I felt redeemed. The big Cheeze Mr. David Allen himself approached me with another supervising attorney I work with and pulled me into their office. (needless to say, with the week I was having, I was thinking oooohhhhhh crap what did I screw up now) Well it turns out that the other Attorney I also love working with, and is also a fellow Christian, needed another person to help her on Monday. She will be going to Reno and meeting with a bunch of new perspective clients and the firm wants to expand out into Reno more. They wanted me to go along and help out. Man I felt so redeemed to hear that. It was almost as if God said you are not out of the woods yet young man, but you caught what I was trying to do. Even my homework which I was struggling with prior just breezed on through.

So now the real question remains, with this offer of personal redemption to myself will I pull through and walk the way God wants me to, or will I fail the test and return to my selfish ways? Time will tell but nonetheless I am happy to have a God that cares more about the condition of who I am as a person spiritually than just being a cosmic vending machine.