Ok, ok it has been too long

Ok to say I haven’t posted in awhile would be tantamount to saying drinking strychnine could lead to undesired side effects. Well I guess to fill everyone in, which would be two readers who already know. LOL a lot has happened from my last post. So now for a very long run on sentence that breaks all rules of grammar. A very close friend of mine lost a love (Eric I can’t imagine what you are going though and I am there for anything you need brother), my family and I are going to loose our house (however that will be a blessing in disguise), my wife is due any day now with our second son, another close friend of mine might loose her house and her soon to be ex-husband is loosing his business and in time everything, my great uncle who I absolutely adore after 39 years of business will have to close his doors, my mother in law is finally getting married, my dad retired but had to go back to work because his retirement is no where near what it was expected to be. Yet I somehow don’t know exactly how I should feel. Somehow I feel like I am in a state of melancholy.

I remember going through the chaplaincy academy a few years back and they had us take this inventory list of all the changes that had taken place in the last month. You see there was point based system so you would go through the list and if there was a change that had taken place in your life you got points for it. Some things had a large number of points, good or bad. Two of the highest were getting married, getting a divorce, loosing a loved one, loosing your wife, having a child, loosing a child, recent home purchase, etc. etc. and the list went on. You see any change that took place in your life, good or bad took its toll on your body by means of your physiology. Didn’t matter if it was good or bad. So I took the paper and began to check off the changes that were taking place in my life. Now mind you if you scored 100 points there were serious changes that were taking place in your life and 100 points was the level at where you needed to take on a support system to ensure you had help dealing with the changes in your life. 400 points meant you should consider talking to a counselor about the issues in your life. Well at the end of the day I was 785. The list only scored up to 400 anything past that you were in the danger zone and you body was at a very unhealthy level and you were greatly encouraged to seek professional help ASAP. Granted it was one of the darkest times in my life. Let me tell you I have been through hell and back in my youth and technically shouldn’t even be alive today. Yet that point in my life was the darkest.

I had a so so support system. My mom and dad were there for me, but aside from that, I was sadly on my own. Well I can’t say that entirely because God was there with me the whole time, but at that time I needed someone with skin on if you know what I mean. There were people at church who knew what I was going through and a good Christian Brother really helped me out on the worst night by inviting me over to have diner at his place. That little gesture and fellowship meant everything to me. Well anyways here I was taking a class on helping people through some of the darkest moments in their life, and here I was sitting in it. Yet I didn’t get the help I needed. Now I am not saying that it was because of some failure on other people. No I would say it was mainly a failure on my part. A failure to reach out. I still have issues reaching out. My friend Myles was there for me, and there were men in my mens group who where there for me, but I never reached out enough. I never held out my hand and said here I am broken drag me the rest of the way because I can’t. Somehow I managed, things got better, I guess I am tougher, yet someone I feel like I got damaged. It’s as if my whole life I have had these moments where I needed to hold my hand out, but in my own pride I said to myself, “I did it before, I will do it again.” Through the years I evolved not into the image of Christ but a man who has become jaded and disillusioned with life. Untrusting when I should be trying to hope for the betterment of mankind. I keep that circle of friends small, and when trouble does come I keep my mouth shut. Half the time I really have to force myself to talk to my wife about what is troubling me, even though I know just opening up and talking about it will help. Its pride is what it is. It is admitting hey I screwed up, I am not tough enough, smart enough or man enough to do something. Simple pride.

I think as men we are all wired with this incredible resilience but somehow in the modern world it is our biggest downfall. Every man has this secret fear. This secret fear is, “I am just not (fill in the blank) enough to do this.” Somehow we look at other people and think man if only I had his (fill in the blank) I could do this thing. All men look at other men and think I am a fraud at some level and if everyone found out I would be ruined. Yet somehow we fail to realize that the guy looking back at us is thinking the exact same thing.

I wonder what it would be truly like to life a life free of fear, hate, anxiety, and bitterness. Now I am not saying that I express these attributes all the time but man they are in there. They are hardwired and are not letting go. I try as I may but they just won’t budge. Even on a day where those traits are not rearing their ugly head they still haunt you. I wonder what it would be like instead of having those traits I was filled with peace, love, tranquility, and forgiveness. What would that be like. I try but I continue to fail I realize I can’t do it on my own, I need God to do it for me. Even then in my own frail humanity I will fail and on occasion exhibit those attributes.

My family have told me my whole life I have trust issues, particularly with God. My bigger question is how do I solve that? No one has gotten back to me. I lost my faith in God close to decade ago and found it again. I shall save that topic for another longwinded post. LOL I remember no one had an answer for the questions I had and I became disillusioned and left the faith. It wasn’t until I found out about Christian apologetics that I began my journey out of the wilderness and back into the fold. Maybe this is like that. Maybe there is hopefully a reason why God has kept from me the secret of what I have to do to trust him. I know it all sounds so simple but for some reason it is not clicking with me. How do I trust in Him to so this self reliance issue can go away and thusly leading to a path to rid me of my Pride?

Well I guess maybe that question might be one of the great mysteries of life. If you know the answer tell me. LOL Well I better get going so I can do a few other things online. We got rid of our internet to save some money so we have to go to Panera to use their wifi for now. Till then

Too Funny!

Ok I was watching SpongeBob with my son the other day and watched this episode that had this hilarious little bit in it. I love sponge Bob and now that I have kids I don't have to feel guilty about watching it. LOL I was actually watching that show when it first came out So here is the clip of the funny stuff.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0309k9z1nA

I was told it is like picking out a wife

Ok it has been way to long since I last posted. Not a whole lot has changed in life. I am going back to my mens group which is awesome since I haven’t been able to for a year due to school. It is great to be with the guys again. We got to talking about some of the issues we face in life as men and it was posed to me if I had an accountability partner. I stated that but have wanted one for close to a decade now. Problem being every time I find a guy that I think would fit the bill they don’t feel comfortable being in that position. Of course that has only happened twice. My sagely friend laughed and said to me “picking out an accountability partner is like picking out a wife” The more I thought about it the more I had to agree. He stated that a good accountability partner becomes your best friend over time in a sense. I haven’t had a friendship like that in well over a decade. In fact whenever I watch a sitcom that has two guys that have a great relationship at the end of the show I always look at myself and say, “man I feel so unfulfilled,” and have to laugh at it. I wish I had a friend like Joey or Chandler from Friends. I know a lot of guys who do and I just envy them. I think it would be great to call up a guy friend on Friday after work and be like, “Hey, lets go fishing tomorrow morning, and lets take our kids.” Then my guy friend would be like, “Hey that’s a great Idea, and afterwards we can do… ect ect ect.” I don’t have that right now; in fact I have not had that for well over a decade. Of course I didn’t have kids that far back, but I usually had a guy friend who I would call up and we would go fishing, or take off to some other place for the day. Guys need relationships like that. More importantly I need a Christian male influence to keep me on the straight and narrow. So I begin go think about what do I want in an accountability partner, so I came up with a list that is by no means all inclusive.

-A mature Christian
-Close to my own age.
-Not over legalistic, but certainly understands the importance of the Old Testament. (Basically I don’t want an accountability partner who tells me I have to worship God on Saturday, burn moldy clothes and does not share the same Theology as I have)
-Someone who knows how to have a good time and when it is appropriate to have a good time.
-Has kids and is married (so he can understand and be on the same page as I am. Lord knows there isn’t a single guy out there who can understand what truly happens in married life)
-Is involved in the motorcycle culture, or at least has an interest in it.
-Enjoys video games.
-Enjoys paintball, or at least has an interest in it.
-Enjoys reading preferably.
-Enjoys the outdoors.
-Likes hiking or at least has an interest in it.
-Is a geek or nerd (ok lets face it I am a nerd and enjoy talking geeky things)
-Enjoys photography, or at least has an interest in it.

Of course no one person has to have all of those traits, but it would be awesome. So when you really think about it as picking out a wife it truly is. The thing I didn’t put on here of course was that this person and their family would have to get along with my wife and kids, and our family get along with their family. Of course I laugh at the whole situation because I don’t feel that I will ever have a friend or accountability partner like that. Then again if I ask God there is no reason why it couldn’t happen. So I guess I will pray and see what happens.

In other news I was hoping to go community college and pick up six units to defer my student loans till we are in a little bit of a better position. However now that I am a college graduate I am no longer eligible for financial aid, and it is pretty much too late to apply for a scholarship for the fall semester anywhere. Yikes! So I am not sure exactly what to do on that. It will probably be around $500.00 on the low end for tuition, books and supplies. I really want to take some photography classes to improve my skills and learn more. So I might try and find a way to get it to all work out. Who knows, I am seriously thinking of taking pictures and selling them off on some of the various stock photography sites to earn a little gas money on the side. So we will have to see how that goes. Well till next time.

Cherry Blossom Festival

This is one of the Sailor Moon Cosplayers. I thought it was an interesting shot. Everyone was watching the parade and I believe she was standing on a chair to watch. She just sort of stood out and I was lucky enough to be quick enough on the shutter button to catch it.

This is some of the Taiko Drummers and you could tell that the one guy in the middle is a real character. Man he was just soo expressive and lively. He made me want to jump on the float and start pounding away!

These Cosplayers had some great attitudes. After being stopped by one person, everyone whipped out their cameras and they must have been stuck there posing for about 7 minutes. They were laughing the whole time and you could tell that there were really into the spirit!

These cosplayers had a great attitude. It must have been 80 degrees outside and when I first approached them to take their pictures they didn't have their full costumes on. However after asking them they cheerfully stated yes they would love for me to take a picture of them but wanted to put on the rest of their costumes. More great cosplayers!

This Girl was great, I didn't want to take up too much of her time as I was sure she was probably getting asked by everyone to take her picture, but she even offered to take a few more poses after I thanked her for the first picture. She was very nice to everyone that approached her at the Festival, and she was always smiling. A top Notch Cosplayer if you ask me!

These girls I believe were doing some sort of skit.

I am not exactly sure the name of the Character this guy was dressed up as, but I do remember the anime.

I thought this was another funny picture. It is one of those Smart Cars, They are so short they don't need to park like a normal car. Probably a great Car to have in SF.

Unfortunately I was having some Camera Issues so this shot did not come out near as nice as I wanted it to. However this is a picture of David in the back his sweetie in the middle and Adam in the front. I thought it looked kind of funny, almost like the two guys are body guards.

Here is Adam showing me the finer points of Pole Dancing in the back alley.

Here is a picture of a real Photographer. This guys gear was pretty good and man was he quick on the draw. I believe he was shooting with the Canon 50D.

Well those are just some of the many pictures I got in SF this weekend for the Cherry Blossom Festival. It must have been over 80 Degrees in SF and man we were cooking. I thought it might be nicer in SF than Sacramento, but it was still hot there. We didn't stay as long as we would have liked too but due to the heat I was starting to worry about Liz and the bun in the oven, so we went home early. Overall it was very nice day and we were able to take it pretty easy so there were no high hills to hike and climb and Liz was able to sit most of the day in the shade.

I was having a fair number of camera issues so I didn't get all of the shots I wanted. I want to more than ever now take some photography classes to improve my skill. I am no where near the full potential of being to exploit my little Canon Rebel, however there are some times now where my Camera and lenses are not able to keep up with me, which makes me actually feel good about my skills so far. There are times where I know what I need to do to get the shot but the Camera just isn't able to comply. However that is only on rare occasions. I am no where near being able to fully exploit all of my cameras capabilities. I know that when I get to that point I will look to upgrade my camera. If I ever get to go to Thailand I want to make sure I am ready to use a more advanced camera and hopefully be able to impress my wife's Uncle who is probably one of the biggest names in photography over there. Now if you asked me to pronounce my wife's uncles name or even spell it, I couldn't do it. LOL He even does stuff with the Asian MTV.

On Saturday I was able to go out for my first bike ride of the year. I am going to dedicate at least one day a week to go for a bike ride. It is all part of my plan to loose some weight and get skinny. Adam will be going for rides with me which will be great we can keep each other accountable.

SCHOOL IS OUT!!!!!

Well today was the last day of class for me. It is bittersweet. On one hand I am estatic to spend more time with my family and to be able to have my nights and weekends back. On the other hand I am going to miss a fair number of my classmates.

We were supposed to go out for beer and pizza again tonight like we did for last night, but I guess somehow the destination got changed to the Powerhouse Pub. Not really my scene so I decided not to go, one of the other professors I was looking forward to seeing was also not going to make it. He said if it was for beer and pizza at the place down the street he was game, but didn’t feel like driving all the way out to Folsom. I definitely agreed, not sure how it got changed to all the way out in Folsom. However last night was great. My debate went off well, I feel that I could have done a lot better but my head was not in the game. There was some personal stuff that came up earlier in the day so that sort of hampered things. However the professor said everyone did well and he expected nothing less from our group. Both he and our Criminal Law professor told us that our group has been one of the smartest groups overall to go through the program.

Our group did phenomenally well, because there is usually a 60 to 70 percent washout rate. I think we lost less than 10 percent of the original group which is probably something that has never happened before. I felt very privileged to have gone through the program with such bright students. It certainly enhanced to the program when pretty much everyone is on the same page and asking intelligent questions and adding to the discussion instead of taking away from it all.

I even got a second award last night for the best writer in our advanced legal writing class, and was even given a present with the award. It was a legal dictionary and thesaurus. I love dictionaries and Thesauruses, so it will get put to good use. I thought for sure my friend Betty would have gotten the award, so I was shocked again when I got it. A bunch of the students were giving me a good natured ribbing and were saying things like “I thought that there was a one award per student rule”, and “better watch yourself in the parking lot.”

Afterwards the class all went out for pizza with the professor and beer if we wanted to buy it ourselves. I just had soda of course. Not that I am opposed to drinking but it seems the older I get the less of a desire I have to partake of the Guardian Mead. It was really great because I spent pretty much the whole night talking to our professor about photography. He is a pretty avid photographer and so I loved just picking his brain over the subject as I am getting back into it. In fact I am looking forward to taking a photography class this fall. Anyways we were the last ones to leave the Pizza Parlor; in fact they were probably getting ready to kick us out. He told me to keep in touch which I will certainly do. In fact I am really hoping to go out and take pictures with him sometime.

So what to do now it seems. Well I am definitely going to make my health a priority. I am going to start getting back into shape starters. I am going to start riding bicycles again. I am going to get my road bike tuned up and start riding with a few friends which will be great. Another thing is I am going to start doing some photography stuff as I had mentioned previously. However the one thing that will take priority over all of this, and will also be integrated into everything I mentioned earlier is I am going to be spending more time with my family. I am going to be able to spend way more time with my son which means a lot to me. I have been loving wrestling with my son lately and he gets so psyched up when I start playing with him.

Another thing I will be doing is our entire class was asked if we would individually mentor future students going through the paralegal program, so I will be gladly partaking in that. I am really hoping some day to be able to TA and then maybe teach if possible. I know that several of our professors were former students so it is possible. Well I am done for now till next time.

No title on this one :-)

I have included some night shots that I took in SF that I have been meaning to post for awhile now.

I haven’t posted for awhile, but I guess I will. I have been feeling in a retrospective mood. I have been thinking about what it would be like to have been born thousands of years ago, and to have lived through different ages of the world. Can you imagine the stories you would know. What would it be like to be immortal yet surrounded by a mortal world? I know that sounds weird but I am weird. I guess maybe not that weird, I mean they have made several movies about things like that.

I guess as I get older I contemplate my own mortality. I think of the things I have done the people I have known, and remember the people who are no longer around. I guess it is common for everyone to that. I have been thinking a lot of what sort of things I will see in the future as time goes on.

I believe that we all live forever, it is not a question of how, but where. How we live our lives now, defines where we will be tomorrow. Kind of scary when you really stop to think about it. Not every decision we make will have a lasting or even eternal impact, but some decisions do.

I look at my son, and think about my second son that is due to be born come this July. What kind of Father will I prove to be in the long haul? I will admit I am kind of a crappy Dad. Not always, but more often than not. Part of it is I get caught up in my own little world. For instance my back has been killing me which causes me to be in a not so nice mood. As soon as I got home I was in a bad mood, which was not fair to my wife. She is in her own pain, and had a pretty crappy day. Instead of building her up, I just grumbled and did a lot of complaining, whishing that someone would pull the ice pick out of my back.

Bottom line, I was being selfish. I wish I could get over the selfish aspects of my life, be a better Husband, father, and son. Yet I fail. My dad is not perfect, but in a lot of respects he set the bar pretty high. My dad is one of my heroes yet I don’t tell him that enough.

Do I want my sons to think of me as that distant guy who just lays down the law? I am pretty sure I will never end up like that, but sometimes that is exactly how I feel. My temper has been getting shorter, with the dogs, and my son. I find myself saying, “nope we are done with that” and I take away whatever he is throwing or hitting. Instead of just taking something away I need to be replacing it with something. I have been trying to play with him more, which has been nice. I look forward to when school is out and I can spend more time with my family going to the park, kicking a ball around or just walking around the neighborhood with the family and the dogs.

I am planning on getting back into riding my bicycle which should be fun. I was doing it by myself during the day about three years back which was nice but really did kind of suck. My wife wasn’t interested in riding with me, and I couldn’t find any friends who wanted to go for bike rides. Now I have two friends that are really into riding bicycles so I am looking forward to getting back into it. Lord knows my fat butt needs it. Even my wife has shown a little interest and might actually borrow her mom’s road bike and take it for a spin with me. After our second son is born and she is physically up to it of course. I am really hoping that I can drop about 70 lbs and this will help. My weight is starting to get ridiculous and it has really been starting to have some negative effects on my back, and general health. I love being outdoors, so riding a bike is perfect for me, I will get some fresh air, see the sun, and build up some endurance. You know you are getting fat when just standing up starts to wind you. Anyways I am off to bed.

Pictures for your viewing pleasure from my SF trip

Here is a photo of two devilishly good looking people.... Me and my Wife!

Here is an off kilter image I took while walking through a very bad part of town. In fact right after this picture we walked through four drug deals.

I love taking pictures off center to make them look unusual. This is just right outside of Japan town, and that is Ray waling across the street.

Here is another silly photo. Adam didn't know what was behind him (dirty magaines) when I asked him to point over to his left. I title it "I think the perverts went that way"

Here is ray being silly agan. Although I don't think the ladies are buying it

And this is a pic of some good ole fashioned childish humor

Here is ray looking gansta at the fortune cookie shop

Here we are, well everyone but me obviously, this was taken outside of Japan town

Here is an action shot of Ray making some fortune cookies in China Town. No one else seemed to like it but I liked the blurred look. Gives a sense of fast paced motion.

Well that is it for now. I will try and post some of my night shots I got from Twin Peaks. They came out pretty good.

Till then

Graduation

Well tonight was my graduation night. The funny thing is most people who know me know I am not into pomp and ceremonies and titles. So I really did not want to go. However I am really glad I did go. The funny thing is our last day of school isn’t until April 16th so we, as a class were joking, I sure hope they don’t tell us when we get there that they evaluated how we were doing and thought it might be wise of us to sit this one out. LOL Well anyways on to why I was so glad I did go. My parents really wanted to see me walk. They have never seen me walk before. This is my third degree and I didn’t walk for the other two. I was homeschooled and graduated on my own by taking the California High School Proficiency Exam. I tried the GED but I guess there is an age requirement and I was too young at the time. (Which really pissed me off because it was more about public school politics than anything) So I agreed to go for my family. Well during the ceremony for each major they selected one student for an outstanding student award. When they got to the paralegal majors they began describing the student, I started to look around to see who I thought it could be. I thought wow this student sounds good I can’t wait to see them so I can hoot and holler for the paralegal team. Then they said my name. I stopped and looked up at the dean with a shocked look on my face. I couldn’t believe it. She looked at me and acknowledged that yes they did in fact say my name. As I began to walk up my entire class stood up. I feel honored to have such a great class of fellow colleagues. My family was sooooooo proud of me. I don’t think I have felt so honored before in life. So I am glad that I did go. I know that my family was proud of me, and that makes it all worth while. As for my fellow students who stood up for me, I appreciate your honor and respect. I feel that as a whole we all should have been up there. Thank you for all of the help you have given me as well and I hope that some day I too can honor you. Well enough for now. Its time to go to bed so I can get up early and hit the books tomorrow for another homework assignment.

Birthday Weekend

Well I need to post some pictures on this bad boy because I had a great weekend. Last Thursday an old friend called me up and told me that he wanted to take my wife and I to San Francisco for the weekend for my birthday. He knew that we hadn’t gotten out in a long time and wanted to treat us to nice weekend. So we went to San Fran and had an absolute blast. We went to China Town, Japan Town, and the Metreon. I also managed to go to Twin Peaks at midnight and got some freaking awesome night shots. We did a lot of walking and my calves are still feeling it. It was great all around. I had Fried Pork intestine, and anyone who knows me, knows I won’t pass up an opportunity to eat strange and new things. I picked up a new pocket knife to add to my collection of odd and unusual knives for just 9 bucks. My wife and I scored a silk outfit for our son complete with hat, and a braid of hair on it to make it look real. The hair on the hat is even real human hair. She also picked up a sweet silk diaper bag.

After the trip I got to celebrate my birthday with my family and went out to Tokyo Fro’s Sushi for some grubbing sushi. My parents even liked the food there and think they had a pretty good time even my dad who has been feeling pretty crappy because he has been fighting off a nasty cold.

On Monday we had planned to take my son to the Zoo for the first time. However it looked overcast and there was a chance for rain. That combined with both my calves feeling like hamburger meat made me decide that we would just go to a bunch of pet shops and have my son play with the animals. Our son is a real animal lover and had a pretty good time petting different animals. He was surprisingly gentle with them too considering he is a pretty rambunctious two year old. Well going to the pet shops probably wasn’t the best thing because we ended up taking home two pet rats. LOL My son thinks that they are coolest and loves to pet them. When he does he whispers Sa, Sa, Sa. Which I think is him trying to say soft.

We were thinking about getting a pet hamster or mouse for him sometime in the future because of the cool cages and tunnels. However I remember having both rats and hamsters and absolutely loved the rats more because they were very social. Hamsters can be skittish, can bite and like to run away. Rats however like to be around their owners and can even be trained. I have never been bitten by a pet rat and I probably have had close to ten of them in my lifetime. I know I had a rat I had trained to stand up and come on command at one point in time. I looked around online and there looks like there are a few rat clubs in Sac too. I just might have to go to a few of them. I bet my boy would have a blast watching all of the rats and seeing all the different things that they can do. Well that’s my blog so let me give a good and hearty thank you to my boys Adam and Ray for showing a great time in San Francisco. Till next time.

The good and the bad

Well it has been an interesting weekend. I found out a friend of mine got put in the ICU sometime Sunday morning. No details exactly what went down other than he got beat within an inch of his life. It looks like it was probably a hate crime as he is pretty active in the gay community. My prayers go out to him and his family. It just makes me so angry who could do that to him. He is a great guy, and wouldn't hurt a fly, yet there are some A holes out there that feel the need to get physically violent over things of that nature. Violence has its place in this world, and should be relegated to the area of self defense. I just can't stop thinking of it. Josh I hope you are doing OK buddy. Then I find out on Monday morning a co-worker of my moms had a bad weekend too. Her daughter got beat within an inch of her life too by her husband and she is in the ICU also. I was like man what is going on with the world. So her family needs the prayer too. I guess the daughter has five kids too. The husband is at least in jail right now, hopefully he stays in there for a long time.

The other news is, I found out what my bride and I are having....... Drum roll please..........

Its going to be a boy!!!!

So its not going to be a girl which is what we were hoping for, but its healthy and that's all that matters. If we keep up at this rate I will have to open a plumbing business Called Jason and Sons just to keep the family fed. LOL

Well there it is a short post, I will try to keep my posts smaller as I do seem to write posts that are a bit too big, at least in my opinion.

Sick :-(

Uggh. I am sick, and it stinks. Every time I cough it hurts, my nose will not stop running, and bleeding. Our T.V. went out tonight too. Though I have mixed feelings on that. On one hand it is great to just veg out or pick up a controller and blow off some steam, but on the other hand not having the T.V. on will force me to do other outlets. Something I think will be good. I need to get out and take some more pictures, or do some more writing, or even reading. Of course I do not mean my homework or reading my law books. No I mean writing on some short stories I have picked up and began looking over again, in fact I gave a couple pages of it to my buddy Eric for a review on it. Something about it just seemed off, to me at least.

My wife bought me the most recent Dresden Files book. That series of books has got to be my most guilty pleasure. They are very well written and most entertaining. Picture 1920's gumshoe detective meets harry potter and you got the Dresden files. The Sci Fi series wasn't too bad, but it had nothing on the books. I was actually pretty sad to see the series get cancelled. However I was not surprised, it seems anytime there is a good series on T.V. that I like it gets canned. Firefly, moonlight, Dresden files, etc. etc. Of course I am sure you can see a pattern here with the geeky sci fi theme. I remember there was this great series that came on when I was younger called Covington Cross. If you are interested in it hit up on Wikipedia. I liked it, but I guess other people didn't. Too bad the show had good potential. Well I better get back to the grindstone of school, just seven weeks left till I am finished Yay!!!!!!!

More ramblings of my feeble mind

I was ordering something at Burger King today as I had some change. As I was waiting in line there was a young man ordering his food. You could tell by his mannerisms and speech that he was one of Gods special children. Well afterwards the woman behind the counter looked at me and stated order 322? I told her no, that I was 323, and pointed to the young man and stated I believe it is his. (I knew it was because I remembered what he had ordered.) She asked the young man if he was order 322, he stated that he had already ordered and was just waiting for his food. I just smiled, not in a I can’t believe you are clueless or in a mocking way. There was just something about this young man, an aura if you will that made me see him as a four or five year old. Full of energy, and dreams, proud of being able to order his own food and be out and about. The woman behind the counter was not amused sadly enough and just rolled her eyes and stated, in a rather rough tone, “did you order two burgers and a small fry?” He stated yes he had, but his order was for here. He then realized that it was his order and stated, “oooohhh I am sorry, did I say to go? I wanted to eat here. I am sorry.” Again the woman behind the counter was biting her tongue and taking his food out of the bag and putting on a tray, as she begrudgingly stated here you go.

The thing that caught me about the whole thing was you could clearly see that the man was impaired. Not to the point where you would think that he had to have a helmet on, but you could tell, or at least I could that there was something amiss. It was in his eyes. I don’t know maybe they were just very kind, and not filled with discouragement, disappointment, and regret. He was a blank slate, that even though he may have had some pretty crappy things happen to him, he was happy nonetheless. The woman behind the counter though was too busy with her own things to even catch that, or maybe she did not even care. I don’t know, but I got to thinking about myself. Have I been so caught up in things around me to not notice someone else? I am pretty sure I have been. It is all too easy to get caught up in our own worries, troubles, doubts, lack of self confidence, or whatever it may be to no take notice of what is really going on around us. If we did we might see that some of the things that frustrate us, are not others faults, but our own faults for failing to recognize a need. For that I am truly sorry for any undue pain or misunderstandings I may have brought about by my own lack of being able to get my head out of my own tookis.

Well as I sat there getting ready to leave I noticed this young man leaving. I decided I wanted to wait a bit and watch what he did. He walked out to an older style beachcomber bicycle that was locked up to the blue disabled parking sign in front of the disabled parking spots. He methodically uncoiled the bike lock cable after doing the combination. He then wrapped the cable and lock around the bike stem on his seat. Proudly mounted his steed and began to ride his bicycle past everyone else. I thought to myself who would I rather be. Me... or him. Sometimes ignorance is truly bliss, or maybe it wasn’t ignorance. Maybe he was what God was talking about when he stated that a child was closer to the kingdom of heaven, then everyone else. (loosely paraphrased) Maybe it is that lack of concern, being bolstered by a childlike sense of hope for what every new minute brings about in life. That life truly is an adventure, not a torture chamber we must go through. For that I tip my cup of sprite to that young man and wish him well.

Random venting

Its funny how life is cyclical. It wasn’t that long ago that I felt like I was on top of the world yet this week I feel like I am at the bottom. I am sitting here at Panera on Watt and El Camino working on my homework. I am actually kind of happy with the homework. It is a Civil Rights case and even though it is by far the toughest assignment we have gotten I like it. Of course a few months back our law professor asked us what kinds of things did we want to go over in next semester as he was going to be coming back to teach advanced legal writing. I immediately rose my hand and said Constitutional law. I have always loved Constitutional Law and as a fellow lover of history it is rich with it. Well last week when the assignments were being handed out the professor told everyone that they could thank Jason for the loss of their three day weekend. LOL He wasn’t kidding. So even though this assignment is kicking my butt I am liking it.

However as I look around me I see all of these happy smiling groups of people congregating together enjoying good conversation, laughing and generally having a good time. At times I feel trapped between two worlds and feel the ever increasing need to accept my fate. I am a loner by nature. I love to be around people, yet I hate it. I don’t know what is wrong with me. Sometimes when I am in a group of people, I am generally not included in the conversation. Usually because the things I like to talk about others don’t like to talk about. Sometimes I love a good conversation on something that really makes you think, something that stretches the imagination. Something that after you are done talking and debating about you walk away feeling good because of the sharing of mutual ideas and concepts. Sharing of something in exchange for the other persons ideas and knowledge. So it is rare to be in a group of friends or people because I seem to have less and less friends as time goes on and I loose contact with those I once knew. I know that is my problem, people will say “you need to go out and be a friend to have a friend.” Yet there are few people out there who share the same passions I have. Yet when I am in a group of people I usually end up being quiet because when I do bring up topics they are usually dismissed as quickly as I bring them up. Instead I am forced to listen to how hard must be for Brittany spears, or how great that pass was in the last football game. The current events that are brought up are usually discussed out of context and with little thought of the deeper things involved. Just a lot of, “how sad… how could that happen in our society… that’s just an outrage…” things like that. Yet when someone truly wants to discuss how we got there as a society and people could do the things that they do nobody wants to listen. Instead people are happy living in the shallowness of life. I don’t mean that as a disregard to intelligence though. What I mean is that sometimes it is easier not to think too much about something because of the implications that may be brought about by it. Sometimes it is easier to just talk about the bad things and brush them off as things that certainly couldn’t happen to you, nor did you have any part of how those things came about as whole in society. I don’t know I guess I am just venting, and am probably coming off as a total bourgeois arrogant, condescending (child born out of wedlock) individual. I guess I just feel lonely and isolated. Which is nothing new for me, I have felt this way most of my life, sometimes it just gets to me. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Feeling beat down by life.

Well last night was frustrating as H E double hockey sticks. I have redone the floor in our front bathroom a total of three times, and it looks like I will have to do it again for a fourth time. The flange on the toilet leaked again and the floor looks pretty bad. Its just frustrating. It seems like no matter how hard you try, something are just doomed to happen. I removed the toilet and ripped out part of the floor last night to let it dry out. It will probably take a long time for it to dry out but the floor is pretty moldy. After ripping up what I did I decided to take a shower. I felt just so beat down. I walked into the shower and said God is Good but I just didn’t feel it. Doesn’t mean he isn’t. I mean in the grand scheme of things it is a pretty minor thing. I don’t have the time, or money to fix it, it may take a year to get it fixed, but at least we still have one working bathroom. There was a time where we didn’t even have that. I just get so tired of living below the poverty line, and it just seems that life isn’t getting any easier, nor is there any chance of it letting up. Yet as my wife said to me, “It could be worse.” I love her so much for keeping an optimistic outlook on life, and she is right. It could be worse. She also told me, “it could have happened at a worse time.” Again she is right, however I don’t think that there ever is a right time for things like that to happen. Why is it so hard however to acknowledge that my life is so much better than others out there? Why is it I focus more on how much better other peoples lives seem? I wish I knew, but I guess my sin is coveting. I think about how I have food. I am actually able to eat at least one square meal a day, sometimes two. Most people out there don’t even get that much. I have a wife who loves me, a son who is extremely healthy and hasn’t had any of the ailments that I had to deal with as a toddler, which has helped us out financially. I can’t imagine having to pay out large sums of money I don’t have on healthcare. I guess I need to look at this as an opportunity to praise God and show him that I am capable of handling more of his blessings. I need to get into the mindset that what has happened is an opportunity for God to do something amazing. I need to not just say God is great, but feel it as well. I need to remember that my God is more than the God of my circumstances. In the end it is all stuff anyways. It is stuff that is not even really mine, everything I have, I have because God has given it to me to hold in trust. Well I guess that this is still an opportunity not lost, I still have time to change my attitude as long as I still have breath in my lungs. I guess I will close with something my Buddy Myles told me a few years ago. He told me that we are like swords, and in life we will always face troubles. These troubles will either grind us down or polish us up and sharpen us. It is up to us the angle we want to take to the grinding stone. Will we angle ourselves to be sharpend and polished, or will we resist it and be ground down.

Another great day and a walk down memory lane.

Well I had another great day at work on Friday. When I came into work, one of the gals there cleaned and organized my desk. I was ecstatic. I get so busy at work I have a hard time keeping my desk clean and organized. I know, I know it only takes a few seconds to put stuff back, but when you pretty much suck at coming up with an organizational plan you are doomed from the get go. She organized a bunch of the folders and streamlined my desk so it just flows. Wow, hopefully I will have more time now to get more stuff done with a clean desk that is easier to use.

Well I have been putting in some time playing a Final Fantasy game that my buddy E gave me. I got the full hook up, game and a Brady game guide to boot. It got me to thinking about what you told me E. I too have been having a hard time finishing up a game lately. In fact I would sadly say that about half of the games I play these days I never get around to finishing. I also have that problem where the game just gets to a point where you are like ok, ok already, when do I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Another thing that I kind of have to laugh at is it seems like most of the games that have come out nowadays are sooo freaking complicated that something is really lost. I laugh because I remember when the Sega Genesis came out with a (gasp) six button controller. I was in heaven. I couldn’t believe all the extra options it added to my game play. My father however complained right alongside my mother. Their complaint was it was too complicated. “whatever happened to the good ole days of one button on the Atari 2600?” I would hear. LOL Oh man I must be getting old because sometimes that is exactly how I feel. I remember playing Street fighter II and taking my time to learn all of the commands to do all of the special moves. Now mind you back in the day pulling off Zangief’s spinning pile driver was a move that was braggable to pull of.

Well about two years ago I picked up Dead or Alive for the Xbox 360 and started playing. I looked at the menu on how to do the special moves… I about pissed my pants. Those moves made the Zangief’s spinning pile driver look like something my toddler son could do. I mean some of them involved complex controller moves that took up two lines of text. Two freaking lines of text!!!! Needless to say I mastered about 10% of the possible moves you could do in that game. I guess it added a realism touch for me. I would’ve had to study that game for three years before I could earn my black belt in kicking boootay. However that is not what I wanted to do. So after my wife schooled me for about six months ruthlessly beating me (must be those freaking Asian genetics she has) it got traded in at game crazy.

So I have been really thinking about how nowadays all I want to do is pick up my controller and button mash and have a good time. I am no longer looking for complex challenges, games that take me months to beat, let alone master. I just want to go through and bash some skulls, and maybe, just maybe beat the game in a day, while drinking some soda pop with a buddy or my wife.

I remember back in the day the order of things for a good time in Jr. High involved going down my buddy E’s place or him dropping by my house and hitting the game system. man o man were those the days. I still have grin when I think of all the time spent drinking soda, Pepsi at my place, RC at E’s, usually a snack or two and some vicious two player co-op action. Some of the games I remember the most were Forgotten Realms, TMNT, Golden Ax, Altered Beast, (I was disappointed when they made a new one for PS 2 but didn’t release it here), double dragon, Final Fight, Streets of Rage, Super Spike V-Bal, Gauntlet, and World Cup Soccer. Oh man those were the days. They just don’t make games like that anymore. E you remember good ole Ears! in World Cup Soccer? LOL That was a great game. I remember getting the NES satellite for my birthday. It was a big thing back in those days to have four people playing all at the same time. We would have these great games with Bo, Neil, Eric and I. E I still remember spending hours in the evening playing world cup soccer religiously, and no matter what team we played against we would have to kill Ears. LOL he didn’t have a name in the game but he was this little pixilated character that had these ginormous ears. No matter what country we played against he was on their team. After a couple of super bicycle kicks to the soccer ball we could usually kill that guy dead. If we couldn’t hit him with a super kick we would just tackle the crap out of the guy.

We even started the Capcom library of games. It was where we would share our Capcom games amongst each other, but our goal was between all of us kids in the neighborhood to have every Capcom game made. (sorry E just out’ed us all as geeks. LOL)

The thing I remember most though was just being able to finish a great game like altered beast, or forgotten realms in a few hours. They were great games and as soon as we beat it, we would start it over again and play it again. Sometimes five times in a row not ending till one in the morning. No matter how many times we played it, no matter how many times we beat it, there was fun and comradery to be had on each and every time we picked up the controller. Well that was my walk down memory lane of simpler times. Till next time.

Wow good day at work!

Well I gotta tell you I have had two really good days at work. Yesterday one of the paralegals and the records clerk went out to lunch. I am usually invited and try to go out to lunch with them, but I am usually busy reading stuff for school on my lunch breaks or doing homework. Plus, well lets face it I am more broke than the ten commandments. So I always feel guilty because I never have any money and the girls usually treat. So I hate feeling like a mooch. I always have a great time when I do go.

Well yesterday they went out for lunch and afterwards they stopped by the store. While they were there the decided to get me this GINORMOUS chocolate bar! So when they came back I was still upstairs doing something. Well when I cam back to my desk there was this chocolate bar. Everyone at work knows I am a total Chocoholic to the point of being a chocolate whore. I couldn't believe it. That gesture totally made my day. Well today when the girls came back from lunch they left a little box on my desk. It was the "Office Space Flair Kit." The kind that you can get at the bookstores. It was filled with about 15 buttons from the movie "Office Space" I absolutely love that movie. I couldn't believe it. I was like wow what did I do to deserve this. So now I am going to clear all of the old notes and papers off of my cork board next to my desk and use the buttons as push pins to hold up my stuff. So all in all it was a good day at work.

However my Mom can certainly use some prayer. She is going to Reno to fight a moving violation she got last month. It has been pretty hard on her and I have been praying for her. It was bum deal for my mom as she got into an accident, and the guy she hit lied about where he came from. If he had told the truth he would of been at fault, but because the cop believed him over the out of towner my mom got stuck with the ticket and a police report that states it was her fault. So her day in court is tomorrow. I pray that she does OK. Till next time

Ok, so it has been a really long time since I lat blogged so I apologize for all two of the people who read this. LOL I guess however it is time for me to talk on something that may make some people upset. Prop 8. Yes I know that the election is over, but it is still a forefront of the news these days.

When I first heard about how the courts had made gay marriage legal I was dumbfounded. I mean on March 7, 2000 we Californians already voted on this before. It was called Prop 22. In fact I believe we won by over 61% if memory serves me right. Then the Judicial branch of our government says nah. I understand that the judicial branch is here to protect rights and wrongdoing against the people. However the majority already stated no on this. It is not the Judicial branches Job to make legislature. They interpret what laws have already been placed in effect. It is the Peoples job to vote and decide what laws we want. This is the first thing that bothered me about this whole deal. As soon as there was pressure from the Federal Government everyone knew that it would be put back on the ballot which it was. Prop 8 was born. I immediately thought to myself will it really make any difference at all. If the Judicial branch of our government didn’t listen to us the first time, why would they have any interest in listening to us the second time?

One of the other thing that bothers me is just there is all of this assumption, on both sides at times, that marriage is a right. No marriage is not a right, it is a privilege. It is an institution, but not a right. Let me break this down for everyone before I am labeled as a bigot, homophobe, gay hater and all the such. You don’t, and I don’t need the Governments permission to enter into a marriage. Marriage is large and part a spiritual thing. It is an institution of two people sharing their vows to stay together and commit to a relationship to become one. In our day and age there are certain tax breaks and other things that come along with it, but are not part of it. Did you catch that? I didn’t get married for a tax break, and I didn’t get married for any other legal benefits. If I did I would be in violation of the main purpose of a marriage. That is to share my love with my spouse. If someone really needs a government entity to place their approval on their love, then…. well you have bigger issues you need to deal with. Domestic partnership is legal in CA, and has been around for quite some time, so individuals who are in a same gender relationship actually get all of the legal benefits afforded to them at the state level. Granted they do not get them at the Federal level, but they do already get all of the state legal benefits afforded to any other married individuals. Again if my marriage were outlawed to my wife on any basis, it wouldn’t really matter to me in the long run. I know I made a commitment to my wife, and I stand by that through thick and thin. I wouldn’t need to go out and get violent over it, as long as no one was being violent to me or my spouse. In that case it would be an issue of Self defense but more on that later. So I hope that people can see that what I am saying here is you don’t need your government’s approval to get married. Know I will take heat on that from some people but it is true. People have been getting married in private for thousands of years without the expressed approval of their king. Sure it may not be a state approved marriage, but if that man and woman took their vows before God. It’s a marriage.

The next thing that that bothers me is that just because I don’t agree with same sex marriage, I am instantaneously an anti homosexual who hates homosexuals. Wow! I can’t tell you how many times I have been called insensitive, a bigot, and a homophobe because of this. Some people who know me know that some of my closest friends have been gay. Yes they were gay but not once did I ever yell at them for this, scream at them for this, threaten to kick their @ss for it, or accuse them of anything. I kind of have to question, if you are accusing me of being all of these things, yet don’t know me personally, and wish I would just go away or die. Who really is the bigot? Now I am not saying that to inflame anyone, but sometimes people really need to think about how they are coming off. When someone just instantly makes an opinion about me because of one thing, how I vote, and show a bias that pretty much comes off as discrimination, that person has just crossed over to the other side. They have become what they accuse the other of. It is sort of like the Law of Noncontradiction that is used in Logic. You can’t contradict yourself to get to the answer you like, otherwise you don’t have a solid foundation and have in fact disproved your own point. Don’t get me wrong I don’t deny that there are many a Christians out there who disprove themselves as being true representatives of Christ. There are Christians out there that embarrass us all, just as there are many homosexuals who embarrass many other homosexuals with their behavior. So don’t think I am speaking about everyone in the gay community here because I am not. Just about all of my friends who are gay knew where I stood and I knew where they stood. We were still friends when we shared our opinions, and most of all I still loved then at the end of the day just as much if not more than the day before. I wish more people who call themselves Christians could remember that Jesus loved everyone irregardless of the sin. Let’s face it I am absolutely no saint. I am a sinner just as much as any homosexual. Jesus would not turn away a homosexual, he would love them. He would however be very clear about pointing out sin, and would not condone any sinful behavior, but that would not stop him from loving on them. I have never kicked in the door of any gay couple, nor have I ever in my entire lifetime subjected any homosexual to public or private ridicule. I don’t make gut decisions about any homosexual I come across nor do I wish horrible things on them. Yet somehow at the end of the day there are many a people out there gay or otherwise who would label me as filled with hate.

Something else I will touch on today is how a section of the gay community is going about all of this. As I am sure no doubt everyone has heard about how people in the gay community are going after people who voted for Prop 8. They are going after the list of people who contributed for Prop 8 and harassing them. Some people have lost their jobs because of it, and many are being subjected ridicule, threats, and sometimes outright violence. Again this brings me back to what I was just talking about. People who voted yes on Prop 8 are somehow filled with hate according to certian members of the gay community Yet all I really see in the news right now is a lot of hateful things going on against people who contributed to the yes on Prop 8 campaign. How does this truly help your case when you actively show behaviors that you accuse others of having? I have heard the common argument that they are protecting themselves because they are being discriminated against and sometimes you need to take steps outside of the box, (i.e. violence, intimidation, etc.),to get it done. I see people pointing back to the civil rights movements to prevent discrimination against people of color. Well there are some flaws in that argument. Yes sometimes an individual does need to resort to violence, but it should be a last resort unless it is to defend yourself physically. I don’t see where intimidating or threatening people who used their money to promote a Prop that they believe in. I don’t claim to know everyone on that list but I know that some of the people who are being stalked harassed and intimidated have never done these things to any homosexual. Not being able to have your government place their marriage blessing on their marriage is a far cry from being enslaved, being told that you can’t drink from the same drinking fountain, ride up front on the bus, eat at whatever restaurant you want, and so forth. This is an amendment for marriage; gays already have just about all of the same rights that they black community were fighting for back in the day. It is a different situation, and to compare them is to compare apples to oranges. Even Martin Luther King promoted peaceful protest, not going out and intimidating others. If you want to get something done you can do it by force, but if you want to change a mind that will truly be changed, violence is not the way. Yes you can intimidate someone into changing their mind but have they really changed their mind on their own, or have you just superseded their will? I fail to see where not being able to enter into a marriage with the blessing of the state, is the same as not being able to feed or support your family, and living in constant fear for your families protection. In fact I see just the opposite happening. I see this happening to the supporters of Prop 8. Granted it is at a much smaller scale than what has happened in the past to individuals who were discriminated against. If a homosexual is discriminated at work, or is being threatened physically, there are legal remedies they have in place to solve the issue.

The last thing I will mention is when I see members of the clergy being sued because they won’t perform a commitment ceremony because it is discrimination. That seems so ridiculous. As I mentioned earlier marriage is really a religious thing. Why would you want to have a clergy member who does not approve of your lifestyle perform your marriage ceremony anyways? Look for someone who has the same beliefs as you; wouldn’t you rather have someone who is willing to place their blessing on it? When I got married I got married by my pastor, he and I share the same beliefs on marriage. I did not go to a Muslim cleric to marry me and then turn around and sue him because he refused to read from my holy book. I went to a pastor who had the same religious views as I share.

Well I better get going it is time to eat dinner and I have a grip of homework to do. Eric hit me up sometime we got to hang out sometime soon I wanted to come down the other day when I waived at you, but I have been busy trying to get our bedroom fixed up so we can move back into it.