Its funny how life is cyclical. It wasn’t that long ago that I felt like I was on top of the world yet this week I feel like I am at the bottom. I am sitting here at Panera on Watt and El Camino working on my homework. I am actually kind of happy with the homework. It is a Civil Rights case and even though it is by far the toughest assignment we have gotten I like it. Of course a few months back our law professor asked us what kinds of things did we want to go over in next semester as he was going to be coming back to teach advanced legal writing. I immediately rose my hand and said Constitutional law. I have always loved Constitutional Law and as a fellow lover of history it is rich with it. Well last week when the assignments were being handed out the professor told everyone that they could thank Jason for the loss of their three day weekend. LOL He wasn’t kidding. So even though this assignment is kicking my butt I am liking it.
However as I look around me I see all of these happy smiling groups of people congregating together enjoying good conversation, laughing and generally having a good time. At times I feel trapped between two worlds and feel the ever increasing need to accept my fate. I am a loner by nature. I love to be around people, yet I hate it. I don’t know what is wrong with me. Sometimes when I am in a group of people, I am generally not included in the conversation. Usually because the things I like to talk about others don’t like to talk about. Sometimes I love a good conversation on something that really makes you think, something that stretches the imagination. Something that after you are done talking and debating about you walk away feeling good because of the sharing of mutual ideas and concepts. Sharing of something in exchange for the other persons ideas and knowledge. So it is rare to be in a group of friends or people because I seem to have less and less friends as time goes on and I loose contact with those I once knew. I know that is my problem, people will say “you need to go out and be a friend to have a friend.” Yet there are few people out there who share the same passions I have. Yet when I am in a group of people I usually end up being quiet because when I do bring up topics they are usually dismissed as quickly as I bring them up. Instead I am forced to listen to how hard must be for Brittany spears, or how great that pass was in the last football game. The current events that are brought up are usually discussed out of context and with little thought of the deeper things involved. Just a lot of, “how sad… how could that happen in our society… that’s just an outrage…” things like that. Yet when someone truly wants to discuss how we got there as a society and people could do the things that they do nobody wants to listen. Instead people are happy living in the shallowness of life. I don’t mean that as a disregard to intelligence though. What I mean is that sometimes it is easier not to think too much about something because of the implications that may be brought about by it. Sometimes it is easier to just talk about the bad things and brush them off as things that certainly couldn’t happen to you, nor did you have any part of how those things came about as whole in society. I don’t know I guess I am just venting, and am probably coming off as a total bourgeois arrogant, condescending (child born out of wedlock) individual. I guess I just feel lonely and isolated. Which is nothing new for me, I have felt this way most of my life, sometimes it just gets to me. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
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3 comments:
i don't think you need to go out to maintain friendships. i have several friendships that stay true through emails and several where i don't see the person for months and/or years and when i do we just pick up like nothing!
i have a lot of friends. i don't like most of them. and by a lot i mean seriously, probably 100 or more. it's because people think i'm their friend when i'm not. i have a dot. i'm the dot. then there is a small circle around the dot that contains people i like. then there is this huge circle around the previous circle of a group i like to call "everyone else". i don't have to talk about anything in particular with everyone else, but the close circle i can talk about anything with.
maybe you need a circle like that?in my opinion peopledon't like to talk about deeper issues because they have things going on in their lives that they want to justify being more important that worldly issue. sort of like the bubble effect.
Thanks for the kind words Amera. I agree I have a few great friends that mainly keep in contact with like Eric. Erics a good friend and I have known him forever, since 6'th grade. I feel bad though during College I totally lost contact with him. Thats part of the problem though, I used to be this total wallflower, then in college I suddenly became a very popular guy. I was the guy with a zillion frinds, the guy you called on a friday night to find out where the parties were, the guy who lived at coffe shops having great conversations with people all day, including strangers. After college, marriage, and a kid I am the guy you call to find out if the Sponge Bob movie is any good. LOL Not that I am complaining, I wouldn't trade my family and life in for anything else in the world. Sometimes though there are days were you look at someone and say hey that used to be me. LOL Thanks again for the kind words and advice.
no problemo. and thanks for coming and checking out my blog. i'm pretty boring and my blog isn't entertaining whatsoever!
oh my god! my word verif is clench! heheh, allsorts of dirty jokes came to mind!
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