Ok, ok it has been too long

Ok to say I haven’t posted in awhile would be tantamount to saying drinking strychnine could lead to undesired side effects. Well I guess to fill everyone in, which would be two readers who already know. LOL a lot has happened from my last post. So now for a very long run on sentence that breaks all rules of grammar. A very close friend of mine lost a love (Eric I can’t imagine what you are going though and I am there for anything you need brother), my family and I are going to loose our house (however that will be a blessing in disguise), my wife is due any day now with our second son, another close friend of mine might loose her house and her soon to be ex-husband is loosing his business and in time everything, my great uncle who I absolutely adore after 39 years of business will have to close his doors, my mother in law is finally getting married, my dad retired but had to go back to work because his retirement is no where near what it was expected to be. Yet I somehow don’t know exactly how I should feel. Somehow I feel like I am in a state of melancholy.

I remember going through the chaplaincy academy a few years back and they had us take this inventory list of all the changes that had taken place in the last month. You see there was point based system so you would go through the list and if there was a change that had taken place in your life you got points for it. Some things had a large number of points, good or bad. Two of the highest were getting married, getting a divorce, loosing a loved one, loosing your wife, having a child, loosing a child, recent home purchase, etc. etc. and the list went on. You see any change that took place in your life, good or bad took its toll on your body by means of your physiology. Didn’t matter if it was good or bad. So I took the paper and began to check off the changes that were taking place in my life. Now mind you if you scored 100 points there were serious changes that were taking place in your life and 100 points was the level at where you needed to take on a support system to ensure you had help dealing with the changes in your life. 400 points meant you should consider talking to a counselor about the issues in your life. Well at the end of the day I was 785. The list only scored up to 400 anything past that you were in the danger zone and you body was at a very unhealthy level and you were greatly encouraged to seek professional help ASAP. Granted it was one of the darkest times in my life. Let me tell you I have been through hell and back in my youth and technically shouldn’t even be alive today. Yet that point in my life was the darkest.

I had a so so support system. My mom and dad were there for me, but aside from that, I was sadly on my own. Well I can’t say that entirely because God was there with me the whole time, but at that time I needed someone with skin on if you know what I mean. There were people at church who knew what I was going through and a good Christian Brother really helped me out on the worst night by inviting me over to have diner at his place. That little gesture and fellowship meant everything to me. Well anyways here I was taking a class on helping people through some of the darkest moments in their life, and here I was sitting in it. Yet I didn’t get the help I needed. Now I am not saying that it was because of some failure on other people. No I would say it was mainly a failure on my part. A failure to reach out. I still have issues reaching out. My friend Myles was there for me, and there were men in my mens group who where there for me, but I never reached out enough. I never held out my hand and said here I am broken drag me the rest of the way because I can’t. Somehow I managed, things got better, I guess I am tougher, yet someone I feel like I got damaged. It’s as if my whole life I have had these moments where I needed to hold my hand out, but in my own pride I said to myself, “I did it before, I will do it again.” Through the years I evolved not into the image of Christ but a man who has become jaded and disillusioned with life. Untrusting when I should be trying to hope for the betterment of mankind. I keep that circle of friends small, and when trouble does come I keep my mouth shut. Half the time I really have to force myself to talk to my wife about what is troubling me, even though I know just opening up and talking about it will help. Its pride is what it is. It is admitting hey I screwed up, I am not tough enough, smart enough or man enough to do something. Simple pride.

I think as men we are all wired with this incredible resilience but somehow in the modern world it is our biggest downfall. Every man has this secret fear. This secret fear is, “I am just not (fill in the blank) enough to do this.” Somehow we look at other people and think man if only I had his (fill in the blank) I could do this thing. All men look at other men and think I am a fraud at some level and if everyone found out I would be ruined. Yet somehow we fail to realize that the guy looking back at us is thinking the exact same thing.

I wonder what it would be truly like to life a life free of fear, hate, anxiety, and bitterness. Now I am not saying that I express these attributes all the time but man they are in there. They are hardwired and are not letting go. I try as I may but they just won’t budge. Even on a day where those traits are not rearing their ugly head they still haunt you. I wonder what it would be like instead of having those traits I was filled with peace, love, tranquility, and forgiveness. What would that be like. I try but I continue to fail I realize I can’t do it on my own, I need God to do it for me. Even then in my own frail humanity I will fail and on occasion exhibit those attributes.

My family have told me my whole life I have trust issues, particularly with God. My bigger question is how do I solve that? No one has gotten back to me. I lost my faith in God close to decade ago and found it again. I shall save that topic for another longwinded post. LOL I remember no one had an answer for the questions I had and I became disillusioned and left the faith. It wasn’t until I found out about Christian apologetics that I began my journey out of the wilderness and back into the fold. Maybe this is like that. Maybe there is hopefully a reason why God has kept from me the secret of what I have to do to trust him. I know it all sounds so simple but for some reason it is not clicking with me. How do I trust in Him to so this self reliance issue can go away and thusly leading to a path to rid me of my Pride?

Well I guess maybe that question might be one of the great mysteries of life. If you know the answer tell me. LOL Well I better get going so I can do a few other things online. We got rid of our internet to save some money so we have to go to Panera to use their wifi for now. Till then