I have included some night shots that I took in SF that I have been meaning to post for awhile now.
I haven’t posted for awhile, but I guess I will. I have been feeling in a retrospective mood. I have been thinking about what it would be like to have been born thousands of years ago, and to have lived through different ages of the world. Can you imagine the stories you would know. What would it be like to be immortal yet surrounded by a mortal world? I know that sounds weird but I am weird. I guess maybe not that weird, I mean they have made several movies about things like that.
I guess as I get older I contemplate my own mortality. I think of the things I have done the people I have known, and remember the people who are no longer around. I guess it is common for everyone to that. I have been thinking a lot of what sort of things I will see in the future as time goes on.
I believe that we all live forever, it is not a question of how, but where. How we live our lives now, defines where we will be tomorrow. Kind of scary when you really stop to think about it. Not every decision we make will have a lasting or even eternal impact, but some decisions do.
I look at my son, and think about my second son that is due to be born come this July. What kind of Father will I prove to be in the long haul? I will admit I am kind of a crappy Dad. Not always, but more often than not. Part of it is I get caught up in my own little world. For instance my back has been killing me which causes me to be in a not so nice mood. As soon as I got home I was in a bad mood, which was not fair to my wife. She is in her own pain, and had a pretty crappy day. Instead of building her up, I just grumbled and did a lot of complaining, whishing that someone would pull the ice pick out of my back.
Bottom line, I was being selfish. I wish I could get over the selfish aspects of my life, be a better Husband, father, and son. Yet I fail. My dad is not perfect, but in a lot of respects he set the bar pretty high. My dad is one of my heroes yet I don’t tell him that enough.
Do I want my sons to think of me as that distant guy who just lays down the law? I am pretty sure I will never end up like that, but sometimes that is exactly how I feel. My temper has been getting shorter, with the dogs, and my son. I find myself saying, “nope we are done with that” and I take away whatever he is throwing or hitting. Instead of just taking something away I need to be replacing it with something. I have been trying to play with him more, which has been nice. I look forward to when school is out and I can spend more time with my family going to the park, kicking a ball around or just walking around the neighborhood with the family and the dogs.
I am planning on getting back into riding my bicycle which should be fun. I was doing it by myself during the day about three years back which was nice but really did kind of suck. My wife wasn’t interested in riding with me, and I couldn’t find any friends who wanted to go for bike rides. Now I have two friends that are really into riding bicycles so I am looking forward to getting back into it. Lord knows my fat butt needs it. Even my wife has shown a little interest and might actually borrow her mom’s road bike and take it for a spin with me. After our second son is born and she is physically up to it of course. I am really hoping that I can drop about 70 lbs and this will help. My weight is starting to get ridiculous and it has really been starting to have some negative effects on my back, and general health. I love being outdoors, so riding a bike is perfect for me, I will get some fresh air, see the sun, and build up some endurance. You know you are getting fat when just standing up starts to wind you. Anyways I am off to bed.
I guess as I get older I contemplate my own mortality. I think of the things I have done the people I have known, and remember the people who are no longer around. I guess it is common for everyone to that. I have been thinking a lot of what sort of things I will see in the future as time goes on.
I believe that we all live forever, it is not a question of how, but where. How we live our lives now, defines where we will be tomorrow. Kind of scary when you really stop to think about it. Not every decision we make will have a lasting or even eternal impact, but some decisions do.
I look at my son, and think about my second son that is due to be born come this July. What kind of Father will I prove to be in the long haul? I will admit I am kind of a crappy Dad. Not always, but more often than not. Part of it is I get caught up in my own little world. For instance my back has been killing me which causes me to be in a not so nice mood. As soon as I got home I was in a bad mood, which was not fair to my wife. She is in her own pain, and had a pretty crappy day. Instead of building her up, I just grumbled and did a lot of complaining, whishing that someone would pull the ice pick out of my back.
Bottom line, I was being selfish. I wish I could get over the selfish aspects of my life, be a better Husband, father, and son. Yet I fail. My dad is not perfect, but in a lot of respects he set the bar pretty high. My dad is one of my heroes yet I don’t tell him that enough.
Do I want my sons to think of me as that distant guy who just lays down the law? I am pretty sure I will never end up like that, but sometimes that is exactly how I feel. My temper has been getting shorter, with the dogs, and my son. I find myself saying, “nope we are done with that” and I take away whatever he is throwing or hitting. Instead of just taking something away I need to be replacing it with something. I have been trying to play with him more, which has been nice. I look forward to when school is out and I can spend more time with my family going to the park, kicking a ball around or just walking around the neighborhood with the family and the dogs.
I am planning on getting back into riding my bicycle which should be fun. I was doing it by myself during the day about three years back which was nice but really did kind of suck. My wife wasn’t interested in riding with me, and I couldn’t find any friends who wanted to go for bike rides. Now I have two friends that are really into riding bicycles so I am looking forward to getting back into it. Lord knows my fat butt needs it. Even my wife has shown a little interest and might actually borrow her mom’s road bike and take it for a spin with me. After our second son is born and she is physically up to it of course. I am really hoping that I can drop about 70 lbs and this will help. My weight is starting to get ridiculous and it has really been starting to have some negative effects on my back, and general health. I love being outdoors, so riding a bike is perfect for me, I will get some fresh air, see the sun, and build up some endurance. You know you are getting fat when just standing up starts to wind you. Anyways I am off to bed.
1 comment:
You are not a crappy dad! It does not go unnoticed that you are helping more and playing with Xander more. I appreciate it and treasure it . . . and so does Xander. As far as discipline for the little tyke, he needs it! I have gotten too lax with him. I account the distance to your full time job and schools schedule, plus homework most days of the week. I know that things will get better :) Compare yourself to most dads that I know (mine, Tay's, the guy in Gold River . . . and the list goes on) and you are far from it. Personally I feel that this past few months have been really good. I feel that we are getting closer as a couple, parents, and a family. It's the happiest I have been in a while. Thank you. Love,
Liz
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